Oscar Predictions

The Oscars are tomorrow. It just kind of snuck up on me. I clearly haven't given this a lot of thought. So, I'm not unlike most of the others that do the actually voting. (Zing.) I'm pretty sure the world is awaiting my predictions. By giving them the day before, I shouldn't be influencing the Vegas wagering quite as much.

So, hear we go:

• Best Picture - Winner: The Bridge of Spies, because it is the only one of them I've seen and it has Tom Hanks. I did see some of the Revenant when I misread the time and got to another movie 45 minutes early. So I dropped into the Revenant. There was no one talking in the part I saw, so it was hard to judge. Speaking of not talking, I didn't go see The Martian because why would I watch a two hour movie of someone by themselves on Mars? That might be interesting for about 5 minutes, but then...
• Best Actor - First of all, where is the Tom Hanks nomination? Since my boy, Tom, isn't nominated, I'm going with Bryan Cranston because I really liked him in Malcom in the Middle.
• Best Actress - Winner: Jennifer Lawrence. I didn't see any of these movies, but I saw her in The Hunger Games, so I'm going with her.
• Best Director - All I know is for whatever wins Best Picture, its director will win Best Director. Isn't that how it always goes? I think so. How could you have a great movie and have a bad director? That would be like winning a Super Bowl with a quarterback that can't throw. Wait a minute, that just happened. So what do I know?
• Best Animated Picture - The only category I even care about. I think I'm one of the few people that saw Shawn the Sheep. It was awesome. This movie also has no talking in it, so you would think it wouldn't be that great. But guess what? It's awesome. I hope it wins.

Don't take what I'm saying as being accurate. Of every movie that got any nominations, I've seen two. I won't even watch the Oscar show. It goes on forever. It's a bunch of rich and famous people telling each other how great they are. They'll spend a lot of time being angry about or apologizing for that fact that there are no non-white nominations. With my fast forward button, I'll be able to condense the three hours down to thirty minutes tops.