April Fool's Day

Today happens to be April Fool's Day. I don't like this day. Falling on a Sunday this year is a little better as I can avoid people better. Being told 15 times that my shoes are untied seems pointless and not funny. So, we have a special day to trick people. Kind of like how Halloween is a special day to scare people and to dress up like dead people. You know how sometimes you have to just clean out a closet or a shelf because things have collected there over time? That is what needs to be done with our holidays. Following is my proposal.

Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, New Year's Day, Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, and Independence Day can all stay. Others need to go. I've divided them up by mean-spirited, commercial, or pointless.

Mean Spirited - Halloween and April Fool's Day.

Too Commercial - Mothers, Fathers, and Grandparents Day. Everyone knows they were the creation of the evil people at Hallmark. If we allow this to stand, it won't be long until we have Aunt and Uncle Days. Valentine's Day could fit into this category as well, but bowing to public pressure, we can keep this one to join the real holiday's listed above.

Pointless - There are a lot of these. President's Day used to be cool when it was divided into Washington's and Lincoln's Birthdays. That meant something. Now they're lumped together with the Millard Fillmores and Warren Hardings. That just cheapens it.

St. Patrick's Day - The Irish don't deserve their own day. There I said it. It's an excuse to get drunk and wear green, neither of which appeal to me.

Armed Forces Day - Nope. If we keep that you have to give up Veteran's Day or Memorial Day.

Flag Day - What do you do that day? Think patriotic thoughts about the flag? Watch a History Channel special about Betsy Ross? If you have a flag, you should display it. We don't need a special day.

Labor Day - If we call it that, it should be a day to work extra hard, not take the day off.

There are also a bunch of special interest group days. You can celebrate those. The rest of us just don't need them on our calendars - Kwanzaa, Yom Kippur, Veteran's Day (Canada), etc. (By the way, what wars has Canada fought in? Do they even have an army?) Looking through my calendar, I just noticed Eid al Fitr on August 19. How did that sneak in there?

While we're at it, let's not clutter up the calendar with New Moon, Full Moon, First Quarter, Third Quarter each month. I can't imagine why I, needs to know that. Is that to let me know when I need to start haying?